All the Way
Some of you know that my beloved husband, Scott Jaeger, died on July 27 after an unexpected acceleration of his disease resulting from an inability to tolerate chemotherapy any longer. He had his last treatment June 6 and hoped to continue, but his body was no longer able to recover from the devastating effects chemotherapy has on essential blood cells and organ function. He came home from the hospital June 21, still planning to continue with treatment, and enjoyed the benefit concert which was a success artistically and raised so much that it significantly reduced our financial burden. On June 26 he learned that continuing treatment would endanger his life as much as the cancer. We enjoyed July 4th holiday with his family, made a final vacation to Door County for a couple days and he was able to finish a couple projects at home before his decline.
When I met Scott, I wrote love songs inspired by the pure comfort and ease I felt with him and the depth of our soulful bond. The one I play most is "Feel So Much." I have another I wrote after our third date called, "You Could Be Good for Me" that I need to polish up as the rhythm and chord progressions have proven challenging for me to resolve. (I wrote it on the way home, away from my guitar, so I had to discover the guitar part separately from the lyrics and melody. This is always more of a challenge for me than writing with guitar in hands.) I wrote "All of My Love" at a low moment when I felt my life too "cluttered and dull" to hold his attention for long yet I knew how much I loved him and wanted him to stay. In it, I use his words to me--delivered in person and in text messages--to comfort and reassure. "I remember you said, 'Our love feels so good to me,' and your eyes said, 'I don't want to leave. I want to be near you, hearing your laughter, feeling your touch. . . And so I give you all of my love.'" When his cancer returned last fall and was confirmed at stage IV, I wrote two songs within the same number of days of getting the bad news. One, "All the Way," is a graceful ballad revealing my goal to accept and live in the present, not dwelling on the sorrow in the future, not letting fear overwhelm me. It reassured Scott that would not be alone in this, that I walked with him, "All the Way." The other, "Stay with Me," spoke to the anger and frustration and desperation I felt at the prospect of losing him so soon.
Now, I miss his laughter, his touch. There are still so many things I want to see through his eyes--a professional photographer, he interpreted the world through a lens finding art and sharing it with others. I plan to record the songs I wrote for him on an EP album to benefit the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network.
First, I have to get to the point where I can play my guitar and sing without crying from missing him so much. When I return to performing, I know I will look out and miss his encouraging, attentive presence. He helped me whether I needed a guitar cable adjusted or a glass of water. He helped me emotionally and artistically, made me feel centered and free to soar. I will move forward. I am. He made me promise I would keep doing my music saying, "You have to do your music--it's your soul." I thank him for that.
I thank all of you for your gentleness and patience with me as I heal and prepare to record and perform again.
Peace,
~Kaia
